Survivors of Childhood EMOTIONAL Neglect (CEN)

In your childhood, did you ever feel:

• That your most basic needs came SECOND to your caregivers'?

• Did you feel that no one seemed to understand you?

• Did you feel ignored, invisible, alone, or as if you were left to fend for yourself—like your needs did not seem to matter?

If so, you likely experienced Emotional Neglect. The experience of neglect is not simply a caregiver’s inability to provide “food, clothing, and shelter.” In addition to those 3 necessary things, healthy childhood development REQUIRES the following conditions to thrive: an environment that feels safe (i.e. security); nurturance, bonding, personalized and individualized attention or “quality time” from a loving, stable caregiver (i.e. connection / attunement); routine, predictability and clear expectations (‘structure’ and ‘boundaries’). It is hard to recognize something you’ve never experienced.

Many of us did not experience these conditions in our childhoods. This ambiguous void of experience is usually unrecognized, unidentified, and therefore can manifest as an undefined, simmering “low level depression” or disenchantment with life. This void of experience and lack of attunement is a major source of emotional pain and pathological behavior that continues into adulthood. Read more about attunement here.

difficulties with anxiety/Depression

Anxiety or Depression can look different for everyone. Anxiety has a strong physiological component which can include rapid breathing (hyperventilating), heart palpitations, restlessness, a sense of impending danger, panic and concentration problems. Anxious people tend to obsess and worry about perceived dangers and avoid any stimuli that rattles them.

Depression manifests through difficulties with sleeping (too much or too little), eating (overeating or appetite loss), fatigue and restlessness. Depressed people have difficulty mobilizing, socializing, or feeling joy in life. They often express persistent sadness or "emptiness" and have difficulty showing interest or motivation in activities they used to enjoy.  

complex Developmental trauma / betrayl, relational, Abandonment

Adult Children of ALcoholic (acoa), mentally ill or DYSFUNCTIONAL CareGiver

In your childhood did you ever feel:

That your parent or caregiver had an addiction, mental illness or difficult personality traits (narcissism, explosive anger, impulsivity, a lack of empathy, etc.)?

In chaotic home environments children feel powerless, overwhelmed, confused, and trapped. In order to survive and maintain a “healthy” attachment to the dysfunctional caregiver—to whom the child is dependent on—the child needs to devise an explanation to account for their chronic exposure to chaos. Usually they conclude that they are “bad.” As logic goes, If I am bad, my [caregiver] is good, and I just need to work on being better…”

This internalized sense of badness is a form of magical thinking that serves to preserve the child’s hope that a healthy family dynamic is possible. This narrative becomes a deeply held belief system in adulthood and manifests through perfectionism and a toxic, shaming inner voice that is extremely negative and critical (When faced with stress, this voice can sound like: “I don’t matter” or “I am not good enough” or “I don’t deserve…[attention, love, affection, etc.].”

As a result, adults who had dysfunctional caregivers often experience: arrested development; trust/intimacy problems, abandonment issues, low self-esteem, poor self-confidence and difficulties in decision making.

intimate partner violence (IPV) / Relationship abuse / Sexual Assault & abuse

Society, including law enforcement, child protective services and our criminal justice system continue to minimize and misconstrue ‘domestic violence’ as a binary construct, only occurring when visible bruises (or physical violence) is present.

More common, are the behaviors that don't leave marks: stalking, emotional and psychological abuse; misogyny and male privilege, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting; verbal and financial abuse; manipulating and exposing children to their parents’ boundary crossing behavior during marital separations or divorce. IPV is defined as any behavior that is used to exert power or control over another within the context of an intimate relationship.

The dynamics of all relational trauma including sexual assault and sexual abuse, (including child sex abuse) is all about power and control. SA is usually perpetrated by someone who is known and trusted by the victim and often occurs within the context of an intimate or acquaintance relationship (i.e. marital rape/date rape, etc.).

People who have experienced either IPV/DV or CSA/SA have had their trust/physiology/sense of safety and security violated. This experience has profound adverse affects on future functioning in all relationships including problems with intimacy, sexuality, decision making and assertiveness, self worth, chronic dissociation, focusing concentration and confusion, a sense of hopelessness or "learned helplessness." 

If the IPV/SA abuse was chronic, symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress (C-PTSD) can develop. Addiction and compulsive behavior are often employed to self-medicate or numb these overwhelming feelings. Go to RAINN website to learn more about these dynamics. 

Training

Schedule Max for a presentation on: Healthy Relationships, Healing After Sexual Assault, Recognizing Abusive Relationships, or understanding the Neurobiology of Trauma and more...!

Contact Max to start healing from the trauma of feeling misattuned to, ignored or rejected by a caregiver.